


Please, Stay

by HelloBerrie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Absence, Angst, Auror Potter, Dead Harry, Dead People, Depression, Draco Malfoy - Freeform, Drama & Romance, Drarry, Grief, Grief/Mourning, Harry Potter - Freeform, I'm Sorry, Loneliness, Longing, Love, Loving Marriage, M/M, Married Couple, Married Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Monologue, Mourning, Romance, Sadness, Suffering, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-15 22:06:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13622463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelloBerrie/pseuds/HelloBerrie
Summary: Hello again! This is a drabble of mine. I wrote it when I was listening to the song “Lover, Please Stay” from Nothing but Thieves. If you don’t know this band, go listen to them. They’re amazing. This is a one-shot of Draco's thoughts after he loses Harry in an Auror Mission. It's his mourning process. I hope you enjoy and I'm sorry if it dark and sad, it's how I imagine losing someone you love feels like.





	Please, Stay

I stare at the street outside through my window. I stare at it without actually seeing anything. The bed behind me is a mess of sheets and blankets and spilled tears. Long dried tears, spilled every night. Every night until exhaustion finally catches me and drags me into the peaceful place of dreamless sleep. It’s the one place I can escape you. I can actually rest. And I try to sleep for hours and hours. How can I guard my heart otherwise? I see you in the streets, I see your face in the papers, I see your name in every corner. I can’t escape you. Except in my sleep. There’s a blackness there. A conscious unconsciousness that keeps me sane. I am a coward and I don’t want to face this. Face you. The lack of you.  
I took all your things and I put them in a box. I’ve hidden it from myself somewhere and so far I’ve managed to not go look for it. I think about it sometimes but I’m a coward and I can’t face you. Not yet. Your absence is more bearable if I don’t have you at home. What’s left of you at least. Looking at our bed is painful enough. Looking at myself is painful enough. Catching myself tracing my skin, where I can still feel your fingers brushing ever so softly. So tenderly. So agonizingly sweetly. I try not to think about it. The way you used to touch me. Even if it was just with your eyes. Your damned green eyes, so stupidly unguarded. I always told you to not show yourself too much didn’t I? Don’t trust too much. Don’t be so damn reckless. I didn’t know I was telling you to not be the man I fell in love with. I’m sorry for that. 

Sometimes I stand in the kitchen and remember that time we fought over insignificant things. They were always insignificant things. Why didn’t I let you win in every fight? I should have let you win. I should have tried my hardest to make you stay. But I didn’t and it’s not my fault. It’s not my fault is it? Please tell me it wasn’t my fault. The house feels foreign without you. I don’t feel at home in my own body, let alone my own home. Please. There is this silence and I can’t escape it except in my sleep. But at one point I’m bound to get sick of sleeping right? What will I use then? To escape you.

Don’t you think I’ve suffered enough? We’ve suffered enough? We’ve been through so much to end it like this. Well it didn’t really end right? I’m still left with this pain. This reminder that you’re gone. Even though I asked you to stay with me. To not leave me. I was again asking you to not be the man I love.

Was it worth it? Stepping out of that door and leaving? Making me look at you for the last time and… I don’t think it was. I know what you would say. I know how noble and stupid and fucking reckless…  
The world doesn’t revolve around you, you know? They don’t need you all the time. They aren’t toddlers. They aren’t stupid either. And they don’t love you. They will never love you. They will cherish your name, worship your image, make you a hero. But will never love you. Not like I love you. Not like I will always love you. And I can’t love you. You took that away from me. You ripped me of a future with you. You took yourself away from me. How do I forgive you for that? For robbing me of the one thing that I can’t live without?

Do you know how it was? The first morning without you? It’s not like I didn’t know how it was going to be. I’ve lived most of my life without you, I know how it goes. Then the second, and the third. And twentieth. But I know it was ok. You came back every time. But then you didn’t and instead…

You just had to go didn’t you? The world, they were more important. They were first.

No, I’m being unfair. You weren’t like that. I wouldn’t have loved you if you were like that. But see, Harry, my heart is breaking. Every day I wake up without you it’s breaking. A constant destruction of every good thing I am. Every good thing we could have been. Our future haunts me, Harry. The future haunts me and I can’t escape it except when I sleep. How can my own breath be a memory of you? I know why. It’s a reminder. A damned reminder that I can’t hear you breathe.

I’m sorry I’m angry at you. I’m sorry I’m not getting better. I’m sorry I’m not able to live without you. Where did you go Harry? Where are you? And why didn’t you stay?

I look at your chair in the living room, covered with a thin layer of dust. Unmoved and untouched. It’s still in the same place you left it. As if you had just got up from there. The only thing that gives your absence away is that layer of dust. I hate it. I hate dust. I hate you Harry. I love you Harry. I need you Harry.

I think I’m going to sleep. I can’t see you there. I can’t see anything there. Maybe one day I will. Maybe one day that will be the only place I will see you again. Maybe my dreams will become the only place I can see you and not be as broken as I am today. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be better and not think about you so much. Maybe, with time I’ll mourn you less and I’ll be able to breathe without remembering you. And maybe one day, I’ll love you less than I love you now and I’ll be able to go look for that box in the place I’ve hidden it and I’ll be able to see you and your things and not resent you for leaving me. For going away. For making my last words to you be “Harry. Please. Stay.”


End file.
